Never would have thought in the end how amazing it feels just to live again.

I was afraid of losing the people I thought were my friends.  I was afraid of being alone.  I was afraid of not being able to deal with everyday life.  I was afraid of people finding out.  I was afraid everyone secretly already knew.  I was afraid that everything I’d suppressed, I would finally have to feel.  That was the most important thing…

I was afraid to feel.

It was 2AM and I couldn’t sleep.  I rarely slept anymore.  I walked outside and there he was.  I asked him for a light.  An entire pack of cigarettes and a beautiful sunrise later, we’d become best friends.  He told me Lindsay Lohan was his idol and I told him Kate Moss was mine.  We instantly bonded over being completely out of control.  Two days later, he stuck a needle in my arm for the first time.  One month later, he moved in.

That was the beginning of the end.

Sometimes I think I was more addicted to him than the drugs.  I needed him.  At the risk of losing everything else, I needed him.  And lose everything is exactly what I did.  I overdosed, was kicked out of school, lost all of my friends, lost the respect of my family… the list goes on.

Interestingly enough, getting kicked out of school was the best thing that could have happened to me.  It allowed me to pack up and move across the country and get my life together… away from him.  I remained clean for exactly one year.  Fast forward to February 12, 2009.  My birthday.  He called me a few days prior to tell me he missed me and wanted to be in my life again.  He told me he was clean and wanted us to start all over again.  I invited him to my home to celebrate my birthday.  The night before we had a very intense conversation.  He asked me if I missed it.  Of course I did.  Not a day went by that I didn’t think about it.  He confessed he hadn’t stopped… one thing led to another and there he was the following day, my birthday, with party favors.  He came early before everyone arrived.  I sat against the bathroom wall as he slowly pushed the needle into my arm… just like old times.

I remember everything about that night.  His face.  How amazing it felt.  How happy we both were.  Then I also remember the events that transpired afterwards… I lied to my fiance for the first time in our relationship.  I’d finally gotten my two best friends back in my life… and I lied to them.  In a matter of minutes, everything spiraled out of control.

I don’t like to think about what happened after then.  Many lives were altered.  But one thing I do remind myself of constantly is that he was nowhere to be found.  He came back into my life, turned it upside down and then left me to deal with the fallout.  And, that’s exactly what I did.

So, here I am exactly two years later.  I haven’t talked to him since that night.  I run TWO companies.  Am working on my clothing line.  Returned to school.  Returned to my first love, photography.  Have an amazing relationship with BOTH of my parents, which has never happened at any point in my life.

I’m genuinely happy.

Never would have thought in the end how amazing it feels just to live again.


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