As I get ready to walk out the door this morning to start off the week, I’m stopping to take a loot around at all of the miracles that happen all around me. I never truly realized how amazing it is that life falls together in the way that it does. As suddenly as it can fall apart, it can pull itself right back together. When one door slams shut on your finger, a whole hallway of new paths can stand wide open waiting to be explored.
Every day when I open my eyes to the sun rising once again, I realize that my life has once again been touched by grace. The way everything happens so perfectly, the way the sky can shift hues in a matter of minutes… all of it is extraordinary. I see the world in such a different light than I had just months before. I was in a very bad place at the time, both physically and emotionally. Everyone I talked to would tell me that it would get better. That there was hope. To keep fighting. To start better habits. That I was needed here.
And now, three years later, I’m starting to believe it. Maybe it’s a matter of trust. Maybe it’s because of all the things that have changed for the good. I still have my days and weeks where nothing works right. I remember the mistakes I’ve made and the promises I’ve broken. I miss the people I’ve let down and talk to the ones I unknowingly push away. And then, there are the days when I feel surrounded and embraced in unexpected love. I notice the beauty and perfection of a tiny flower blooming out in the front yard. My eyes are opened to the opportunities I’ve been gracefully and carefully given in order to make my life what I want it to be. All of the little signs start adding up to something so great.
As the months fly by, revelations and sacrifices come and go. Some are good ideas; and some, well…aren’t. I’m finally starting to see the scratches I’ve made on the surface of the earth become something deeper, more permanent. I’m starting to claim my spot here, and really committing myself to it. I’ve come to terms with the fact that maybe I wasn’t meant to be your normal teenager. I never have been. And maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this beauty I see is a sign of something more.