Things are still a daily battle: Tabby’s Story

My name is Tabatha but many people call me Tabby, I am 19 years old and this is my story. I guess my story starts when I was about tweleve and in sixth grade. i had always been diffrent, i was loud, energetic and really outspoken but my sixth grade year that all changed. the happiness i seemed to have on the outside, was not what i was feeling on the inside. I guess when i was in the sixth grade I really started to show just how insecure i truly was. about 2 months into sixth grade i started getting bullied.

I never had too many freinds and was kind of always by myself, but one day i started to get picked on by this one girl, at first it was only by her, as the months went on more and more people joined in with her. i was getting bullied mentaly, i was getting told i was stupid, worthless, and just a waste of oxygen on this earth. eventually things got physical and i would get kicked when i was sitting at my group of desks, i was getting tripped in the hallways, i was getting threatened by people saying that they had websites that talked about me in nagitive ways and just how worthless i truly was. I never really told and adult about the living hell my school life was. I would cry myself to sleep at night, my smile that i kept on my face tricked people into thinking nothing was wrong.

I eventually stopped doing my homework, started having anxiety attacks before i went to school. I was terrified to go to school each day worrying about what someone would say/do to me. eventually i told my parents what was going on, and they tryed talking to my teacher but nothing really happened, she was waiting for me to come to her with my problems. I was to ashamed, my parents took the next step in trying to help make school an easier situation, they called the office. the girl who started the down slide of my social life, happiness got suspended for 2 days because she implied she had the website about me. however my school life was like a horror film the other kids who were bullying me were unstoppable. the few freinds that i did have would go to the office and talk to the principal about what was going on, but nothing gotten done.

i eventually started to get depressed, i stopped bealiveing in myself, i was fighting everyday just to get out of bed, i felt as though i truly should not be alive, my life was worth nothing to me anymore. eventually i got down to haveing one freind, we would fight all the time, she didnt want to be seen with me, but one day in drama class i was talking to the only freind i had left and the teacher overheard me. i was forced to go down to the office, and fill out a report, this report got taken very seriously and that day about six students got suspended, that was over half my homeroom class.

however i waited too long to come out and tell someone there was a month left of school. my life was worth nothing to me anymore. it felt as though i had lost everything, i lost my good grades, i didnt trust anyone even adults. i didnt know what happiness was anymore, sure i would smile and keep all the emotions i was feeling on the inside but in the end it just made things more difficult. when i was in seventh grade i started seeing a teacher to help me pull up my grades, and help me in my learning. i felt as though i was so far behind i didnt understand anyschool work my seventh or eigth grade year because i never did my sixth grade work which was less advanced.
socialy i was still bullied and picked on not as bad as i was in sixth grade year but it was still 70% there. the freinds i did gain i didnt trust, when i heard them whispering i would think it was about me. when i was invited to things like movies, and birthdays etc i would never go i was worried that for some reason i was getting set up. i would spend my recesses walking around or sitting on a bench alone reading, listening to music, or playing with tamagotchis.

the end of eighth grade my life got flipped upside down again. this time medically, i got the stomach flu and developed a serious digestive disorder. when i was in nineth grade i lost 40 pounds from not eating and rumours were spreading around about why i was missing school, loosing weight. now dealing with medical problems my depression, anxiety, got worse. no one i knew was going through anything that i was, which in return made me feel even more insecure and diffrent.

when i was in the tenth grade i found the place were i felt as though i belonged. i became apart of my schools drama club. i grew to love acting and performing and makeing people laugh. my personality slowly started to come back through performing. with every show i took part in new doors started opening. i was around a new group of people i learnt how to joke around, not to be ashamed of who i am and imbrace my insecurites. when i was in grade 11 i auditioned for a show we were haveing my 12th grade year. in that audition the teachers that had watched me the past four years commented on how i smiled and most of all how much my confedince had grown since i started doing theatre.

as for medically i still struggle. there is no cure for gastroparesis and i will deal with it for the rest of my life. all we are able to do is treat my symptoms. i have food phobias, and anxiety over food and eating infront of others to over come still. its like recovering from an eating disorder those fears i have about food, that voice telling me to be scared will always be there i just need to learn not to listen to it.

Emotionally things are still a daily battle. i deal with not feeling good enough, urges to self harm. i still find it easy to fall apart, and one thing i need to remind myself is underneath all the broken shattered peices there is a life, a real person. those broken pieces, things people have said to me are still burnt in my mind. Even if they wanted to those bullies can never take back the things that they said. They lay in my mind ingraved so deep that they cant be forgotten. It will always effect the way i think the way I look at things. you can only glue together the broken pieces you are never truly 100% fixed, but those shattered peices those cracks that are now forever there make them you. your the only person who can live your life, and well others have similar stories they are never 100% even 50% the same.

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