Suicide Survivors: Lydia’s Story

On December 22nd, 2006, I tried to kill myself by swallowing half a bottle of Tyenol PM pills. I was 19 years old. A friend got the ambulance called and I was rushed to the emergency room where I was forced to drink charcoal and vomit the pills. Thankfully, I had no lasting health problems due to my attempt.

earlier in 2006, I had tried to tell my Mother and my aunt (whom I was close too), that I had tried to kill myself before. But they did not believe me because I did not have any scars. I tried cutting myself once but it hurt too much. So I tried other ways like swallowing household cleaners, drowning myself, trying to cause a car accident, choking myself, covering my face with a pillow and so on. but I was not believed.

Behind my mothers back, I attempted to go to a clinic for people who did not have health insurance. The doctor tried putting me on anti depressants but I got even worse even after three weeks so I stopped taking the medicine. I started thinking I was worthless, that no one cared if I was alive or not. I believed God (as I was a Christian) had turned His back on me and that my soul was destined for hell.

Things got so bad in my mind that I slept around with guys just to try to feel loved and that someone gave a crap if I was alive or not. Thoughts of worthlessness, that I was stupid, that no one loved me, no one would care if I died, no one would visit my grave, and people that I knew would even celebrate my death were constant, every day thoughts. I began to get more depressed to where it was a fight to just get out of bed. I snacked because I didn’t really feel like eating. I lost interest in my hobbies and doing things in my church. I felt completely alone and believed I had no one to talk too. It was like I was on an island where no one cared where I was, if I lived, if I was hungry or scared.

After my suicide attempt on 12/22/2006, I was released from the hospital on 12/26/2006 into my mothers custody. I realized at the hospital that my mother and aunt did love me, they just thought I wanted attention. After I left the hospital, my mother found a psychiatrist for me and I went to see him every week. The doctor piled pills on me until I was really doped up.

In 2008, my mother finally had enough of my pill pushing doctor and against doctor orders started slowly taking me off the medicine and putting me back into church. I started praying to God, going to church, talking my emotions out with my mother, trying to control my thoughts of suicide and finally, finally, I was off the pills and I no longer immediately thought of trying to kill myself when I got depressed.

Now, I am 25 years old, I have been free of all prescription medicine for about four years now. I have never tried to kill myself since 2006 and I fought long and hard to get out of my dark depression and come to love myself and realize that others do love me. I am happier then I have been. I am currently living in Tennessee with my mother and I have had a much better life now.


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