I wake up later than normal. I slept for ten hours. Why my ceiling is great to stare at in the mornings I have no idea, but today it’s better to gaze into than any other day. My heart is heavy.
Being a logical person, I go through every corner of my brain looking for an answer that I can’t find.
Unsatisfied, I get up. Make pancakes. Eat them on my floor-because I don’t have any furniture in my apartment.
The last bite is paused mid-air as I realize that I walked from my place to my friend’s in a short shirt and shorts.
Did anyone see me? What would my parents think? What would the people at my hometown church think?
I immediately cringe and become self-conscious.
The guys in my neighborhood probably now think I’m easy. If my friends from back home saw me in that they would think I’m a whore.
No more of those outfits. I don’t care how comfortable I am in them, no more.
My goal is a new style. New clothes. Something different.
Two shirts. Both show my belly.
I buy them before guilt changes my mind.
Not my guilt.
I cried after I did a modest sex scene in a movie. My clothes never came off.
I couldn’t enjoy going out with my friends because my shirt was a little lower than normal.
I answered the door in my towel once and I died a little bit on the inside afterwards.
Where did my “purity” go?
It never left.
According to culture and society I’m technically pure but technical gets you nowhere nowadays.
The outfits I wear…they aren’t correct.
I’m asking for guys to flock to me.
I’m asking to be called a whore.
But they don’t and I’m not.
So wait…what is correct?
Wearing the right outfit or wearing the right characteristics?
Because somehow, people around me understand that I’m wearing these outfits because I’m comfortable in them and not because I’m trying to get some, but society is trying to convince them that it’s the opposite.
What is correct: wearing the right outfit or wearing the right characteristics?
I understand where they are coming from, but no matter what I wear, people will think what they want and do what they want. My style and level of comfort shouldn’t be stripped away because of society.
The truth is, culture is leaving me more exposed and naked than I am.