Lean Into The Wind


“Wherever you are, it’s not forever. Lean into the Wind.”

Today has been the longest day I can remember in a very long time. I spent 8 hours having pre-op tests done at the hospital in lieu of my spinal surgery, which by the time this has published, will be recently completed. I’m running off 2 hours of sleep and have to get up in another 6 hours for a 2 day trip in Portland. I just finished a bunch of work I’ve been chipping away at over the last month amidst the insanity of moving to new places and exploring a new relationship.
Everything feels oh so scattered in my life right now. No matter where I am, it’s never for long. And yet never long enough. I desperately miss feeling like an organized person. I do well under pressure but not chaos, and my life has been a roller coaster of both for the last couple months.
But I have learned so much during this time, and the thing that stuck out the most to me was the fact that no matter where I was in life, literally or figuratively, it’s not forever. That is a very comforting thought these days. With months of painful intensive recovery from a spinal fusion looming ahead, I need more than anything to know that every day is progress, even if you can’t see it. As long as you don’t stand still, you’re going somewhere.
Even as I write this I question the flow of it. The rhythm, the feel. Can I convey the shifting plates of my life without causing an earthquake? It feels like my words are going nowhere, and yet, this blog is still producing words. Because I refuse to stop writing.
Maybe it’s not even that good, but I am ok with that right now, because sometimes just trying is enough. Sometimes just pushing through is enough. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
People often tell me that I am the strongest person they know, in reference to all I have endured and over come in my short life, and to be honest I’ve never really understood what that even means. What constitutes “strong”? Not complaining? Staying positive? Not showing worry or nerves? These are some answers I’ve received when I’ve asked that question. Sure, they make sense but I’m still not convinced they define the word strong. To me, strong is a decision. It’s the decision to keep going even when you feel like you have got absolutely nothing left to go off of. Even if it’s just leaning forward against the wind, or if it’s mustering up the scraps of what you’ve got left and making a sprint for it, at least you’re not standing still.
We all deal with struggles or issues of one kind or another and they are all relative to each individuals life, so whatever you are living with or going through, I encourage you to stand firm in the belief that you will not be standing there forever. It all starts with leaning into the wind.

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