In the Midst of Chaos

fork

You know, it’s hard to think everything’s okay when you feel like you’re losing your mind. Everything recently has felt like a blur to me. I find myself forgetting what day a certain event happened on because all of the hours and the seconds have blended together into a period of complete chaos in my head. I find myself without motivation, skipping classes just to lay down and try and put together the pieces of fragmented thoughts that keep me awake at night. I stopped taking my medication, leaving me to wonder if I’m okay on it or not, because when I’m on it, I feel numb and when I’m not, I feel lost. I don’t know which I would prefer to be. It also doesn’t help that whenever I try to see my doctor to talk about these things, the appointment gets canceled. It’s happened four times since November.

            I think I’m in a point in my life where it all divides, the typical fork-in-the-road situation. If I go left (hypothetically of course), everything can go one way, a life that I either want or never expected. If I go right, everything that I’ve been working on for the past few years can happen or it can’t. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am trying to focus as much as I can, but I find myself drifting off into an neverending battle in my head. There are decisions I have to make, but am in fear of making them. I don’t know where I am anymore. It’s kind of making me feel insane, or maybe I’m just growing up.

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