Do you ever just look back on the past relationships in your life, whether you’re still in contact with them or not? I do all the time. As odd as it sounds I find comfort in reflecting on my past relationships, and I am so proud of myself.
About a year ago, I told myself that no one is going to ever make me feel guilty or like shit anymore. About a year ago, I told someone who was so very close to my heart that I couldn’t be their friend anymore. About a year ago I was not the same person I am today. About a year ago, I didn’t feel like myself. About a year ago, I was starting the next chapter in my life. A year later, I am so proud of how far I have come with the friendships I have.
I had a friend, and they were my best friend. We became best friends around our sophomore year of high school. With this best friend of mine I didn’t know what the next few years of high school would even be like. Honestly, when I look back on our friendship it’s almost like a movie. We were a huge part of each others lives, we would go to each others house every day, talk about boys, talk about bands, and just talk about everything.
When we became best friends, I had three other best friends at the time, and a handful of really good friends. It was kinda perfect. We would all hang out together and at times it would just be some of us, but no one was ever out of the loop. My new best friend and I really got to know each other on a personal level. We had a lot of similar life experiences that no one should go through at all in their life. Throughout our sophomore year of high school there was little drama that was unavoidable — especially for my new best friend and I. When we became friends she was “friends” with a handful of upperclassman, and these upperclassman were brutal. For instance, one day after school I remember she told me that one of the upperclassman was calling girls ugly and she would rank them from least ugly to most ugly. Long story short I could never figure out why you would want to associate yourself with someone that would put people down, and pretty much bully them. As sophomore year continued on, my friendships with a few of my friends began to change. One friendship in particular that started to change really sucked. This person was my other best friend that I had known since middle school. I believe that my friendship with that person changed because I didn’t do enough to save, or fix it, but they also felt left out, and thrown off to the side because of the new best friend I made. The entire situation was messed up from the get go. After I lost that best friend I was taken back, but my life didn’t stop and I continued on with my friendship with my new best friend.
During the summer of 2012, I entered my junior year of high school, and life became an emotional roller coaster. I was beginning to feel like shit. I just lost one of my best friends, and I felt like I was constantly losing friends. Towards the end of the summer I was done, but I didn’t have the courage to tell them. An incident happened a week before I was going to go on vacation. My new best friend, her boyfriend, and myself were all hanging out. My father had mentioned that her boyfriend had to be out of my house by the time he got back. Well, he wasn’t, and my father was livid. I ended up getting grounded because of their boy friend, while they both got off scot free, and not mention that my new best friend was sneaking around with her boyfriend behind her mother’s back. I wouldn’t have so much resentment over it if her mom knew, but she didn’t. It especially sucked because an old friend and I started talking again. My old friend was suppose to move out of state within the next week which meant that I wouldn’t have been able to even say goodbye. I told myself I’m not going to let them (my new best friend, and her boyfriend) ruin a friendship again, regardless of the circumstances. It’s not fair, and I shouldn’t have been receiving the consequences of their actions. I ended up forgiving them. What I should have done was just told them I couldn’t do it anymore, and I kick myself for being so forgiving and weak. That week was the absolute worst week of my life. I still cannot believe what went down, and why. I spoke too soon because the day before I went on vacation another incident happened. I was so beyond done, and ready to leave. I needed time off for myself, but on the trip all I could think about was how am I going to survive my junior year of high school if this was going to continue to happen.
When I got back from my vacation things were mended a little bit; however, I still felt like crap. I met up with my new best friend to really talk things out, and to figure what was going on. When we did, she enlightened me on what was up, and why she was acting like this. It all led back to her no good boyfriend. I mentioned to her that if he actually cared for you he wouldn’t treat you terribly, and I wasn’t alone on this say. She was afraid. She didn’t know what to do. I mean it doesn’t fully make up for the poor treatment, but it does shed some light as to why she was acted the way she did. She eventually told her mom that she was dating someone. I remember that day so clearly. The news broke that Pierce The Veil would be going on tour for their new album with Sleeping With Sirens, Tonight Alive, and Hand Like Houses. I was talking to her about it, and she brought up that she finally told her mom. She got into trouble for having a boyfriend, but when she told me I started to feel guilty about it. She mentioned to me that the only reason she told her mom was that she couldn’t live with the guilt that I had gotten grounded over her boyfriend. Granted it wasn’t fair, but I shouldn’t be feeling guilty over something that’s not even my problem. A friend shouldn’t make me feel guilty. She was grounded for a month, and when she told me it almost sounded like it’s because of you that I’m grounded. It felt like a huge slap in the face. Again a friend shouldn’t make me feel like this.
Junior year began, and soon enough it was already December. That December the news broke, and it shook up our friend group that her boyfriend was cheating on her all along. It was damaging on her, and I can tell that it was eating her up alive. She didn’t know how to handle it. I was scared for her life, it was because of this boy she started began hurting herself and that’s when she needed me the most. It was scary for her, and eventually she got passed it. I was so proud of her, and to this day I am. That relationship she had with him I wouldn’t even call a relationship, and “the honeymoon stage” isn’t forever. Our friendship was progressing, and for once I wasn’t feeling like crap. I was happy. Our friendship was at peace.
About five months later I took interest in this guy, and the feelings were mutual. I was excited, and he was so sweet, but something was off. It was almost as if I was competing for his affection But with who? My new best friend. When he asked me to be his girlfriend all that came to my mind was why did you choose me, and not her. Again that’s not okay for me to think that, and I still did. It was short lived, and it could have been longer, but there was some opposing factors that led to the demise of our relationship. When I was dating him in the summer I was feeling guilty for wanting to hangout with him, and go on little romantic dates because my attention wasn’t on my best friend. It sucked. I was never the one to be in a relationship, and when I finally was I felt horrible about it. It was almost as if it was okay for her to be in a relationship, and for me to not. I now know that you have to keep your relationships separate in order for them to be successful. That’s not okay. Senior year finally started, and I thought I had everything a boyfriend, really good friends, and my depression was at an all time low. I felt unstoppable. About two months later I broke it off with him, but it wasn’t because of my best friend it was because of him. It happens. I just think that if there weren’t so many opposing factors we would’ve ended it a lot smoother. Once I was a single pringle it almost seemed like that my best friend got into a relationship right away, and that’s when things started to change. It wasn’t at once it started gradually. I slowly started to become distant, and I eased myself into it. Our relationship lasted a whole four months.
By the end of my senior year of high school I tried to cut off all the relationships with my friends and that made genuinely unhappy. Now that I look back on it, they weren’t my friends they were my best friend’s friends, and those she hung out with were a bit immature, and childish. I didn’t want to hangout with people like that, and even now I don’t. It sounds harsh, but I had to do it for my own benefit, and get rid of all the negativity. When summer vacation was coming up I knew I had to tell my best friend because a really good friend of mine who is pretty much like my sister to me was going to move away, and my focus was going to be on spending time with them before they leave. This particular person had a huge impact on my life. We did everything with each other, from going on family vacations to going spending Christmas with each other. We did everything and throughout our friendship we benefited a lot from each other. What brought this up was people are graduating high school, and looking back I have surely grown. I have matured and in turn, my friendships have matured for the better. I definitely won’t let a friend treat me like that. What I learned is that a friend shouldn’t make you feel like this at all whatsoever. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for making plans, or hanging out with other friends. It’s not like I wasn’t happy, but feeling unhappy occurred more than once. A friendship should never have to feel like that. Now that it is a year later I hope this person is happy, and doing amazing things with their life. For me I can say that I am. I have the best relationships with some amazing people, and I even rekindled the friendship that I lost in high school. Who knows what the future holds for friendships I have now, but I am so ready.