When Nothing Feels Like It’s Working

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I go to group therapy. I go to individual therapy. I try to only drink in moderation and I don’t do drugs. I try to keep positive friendships. I avoid negative people. Overall, I feel like things are going much better for me than they were when I was not doing these great things, but sometimes the depression still knows how to creep in.

 Hey buddy haven’t I starved you to death yet?

 Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can’t. Maybe you’ve fought the fight and won the war, and if you have, please tell me how. But sometimes I wonder, what do I do when I’m doing everything, what’s the point? If I’m still going to be depressed anyways, why not just go all out Lindsey Lohan-style? Why not just go find a bag of cocaine and just blow my brains out? Or I could just booty call some random on tinder and keep myself occupied. Either of those seems much more fun than sitting here with my herbal tea and feeling depressed.

 Why not?

 I guess I do know why not.

 Because it took about 20 years to create my depressed brain, and only the past two years have I begun to rewire it. I do not need to give up now. I need to keep going, keep rewiring, keep working.

 Maybe it seems like this healthy and self-loving path is not getting me anywhere, but I cannot know that for sure. What I can know for sure is that the opposite path will absolutely kill me. Even if it doesn’t kill me physically, it will kill my goals, my dreams, my relationships, and my health. It already has almost succeeded in that many times.

 Because I can refuse to let the depression make my choices for me. It already did for too long and I can refuse to give it any power again.

 Because whether or not I can see it, I have actually come so much further than I’m letting myself see. Maybe I can’t see the finish line, but I see the starting line and I sure as hell do not want to go back there.

If you feel hopeless like me ever, please don’t give up. Don’t give in. I know you hear it all the time, but it’s true: your life is worth the battle. Keep running with me. I can’t say with certainty it will be what you hope it will look like, but I can say with certainty it will be better than going back to where you started.

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