Self Love Takes Times

ooe pic

This month I bought a pair of bright orange pants, that in my opinion look like they came from the 70’s. Now, I dig these pants but my body isn’t something I often like to bring extra attention to. That’s because I’ve always had a hard time being 100% comfortable in my body, I’m a plus sized girl. I have always been the “big” girl so I’ve heard it all from “oh it’s just baby fat, I’m sure you’ll lose it”,to“she has such a pretty face”. Which to the person’s credit, my face is pretty cute, but their blank refusal to positively recognize the rest of me did not go unnoticed. So growing up in a world that hinted or point blank stated that my being fat was a problem, my younger self bowed to the pressure.In the past I’ve tried diets,weight loss pills and even some complicated workout videos here and there. While I tried to change how I looked I never felt any better or lost any weight, to be honest, I think that it just made me feel worse about myself because I was so hung up on my outside appearance that I didn’t give the rest of myself a chance. After years of hating how I looked on the outside and beating myself up over it, I thought to myself “what’s so wrong with being big?” and “if fat is the only insult they can throw at me, I’m not doing too bad”. When I reached my senior year of high school I was a vastly different person from the person who compared herself to her friends and always found something lacking. I started wearing my hair how I wanted and was daring with my choice of lipstick and since my school wore uniforms all clothes were generally the same so no change to be had there but wearing clothes I liked outside of school still terrified me. I thought if I brought attention to myself people would just make fun of me like they did when I was younger. After I graduated I had to confront my feelings of insecurity because I was about to attend college and; I didn’t want to be the insecure young girl I once was. I went into college with the mindset that my body, no matter what it looks like, is worthy of taking up space and that just because it may take up a little bit more space than some doesn’t mean I should strive to shrink myself in any way. Now that I’ve completed my first year of college I don’t hesitate so much to wear the shirt I like, horizontal stripes or even bright orange pants that are reminiscent of the 70’s even though I’m still very much in love with any dark color really. I’m not afraid to bring attention to myself anymore because I like me, don’t get me wrong I still sometimes criticize myself, getting on a scale still puts me in a bad mood and I still second guess my outfit occasionally but I’m so much happier than I used to be.

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2 comments on “Self Love Takes Times

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