October is always a weird time for me. The memory of my first suicide attempt always replays vividly throughout the month. This year it will have been a whole decade since that attempt.
With a better sense of clarity in life, I developed by maturing. I know now that the main regret I would have had from that attempt is if it had actually worked. Everything from school, relationships, even just understanding myself seemed vastly confusing and painful at the time. All the while I suffered I still managed to hide that pain and confusion. I fooled everyone that knew me, including my closest friends and family into believing I was mentally and emotionally stable.
I even fooled myself as I developed a double life that I feel now was borderline schizophrenic. The person that everyone saw and talked to was who I believed the true me was. The other side was the one that constantly perpetuated my harmful, negative, and depressing thoughts. For a while I felt psychotic. I found myself having conversations, disagreements, and debates between these two selves. One Eric talking to the other, convening to determine how I felt about everything.
This constant internal dialogue lasted and remained hidden from the outside world for years. Most days the topic of discussion between the opposing forces within my head was whether or not I should take my life that day or not. When things started looking up in life those thoughts trickled off. As soon as things took a downward turn though it was almost always the first thing that went through my head when I woke up.
I got myself into some pretty serious trouble about a year ago in October. Another reason the month will always be a weird one for me.
The next sentence I was about to write was going to say how negative I feel about the month of October, but as I wrote it I realized that the bad things that have happened within that month have led me to the pretty fantastic life I am blessed with now.
Since last October I finished school, landed a career worthy job, finally developed the courage to go to counseling, opened myself up to a willingness to change, and am on an outstandingly positive direction in life.
I feel like if I had known ten years ago where I would be today it would have been much easier to keep on making it through, but since that’s impossible I’ll just have to be fortunate I survived and never forget that with a little effort things do get better no matter how bad they seem.