Focusing on Myself

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Getting sick at this point of the year couldn’t have messed me up even more. As I write this, I sit in a hospital bed in the third floor of my local hospital, doing an Albuterol breathing treatment to try and kill the Bronchitis that has been living in my lungs for the past week. I could’ve gotten better a long time ago. I saw the symptoms on Friday. It is now Wednesday. However, I put a lot of other things before myself and my health in the past week. First off, I work in retail. I had Black Thanksgiving / Friday this past week, right when I started getting sick. My first thought is that I can’t disappoint my staff and coworkers by getting sick right at the beginning of Holiday. I worked two shifts, prior to my entrance into the hospital, and I felt like death. My boss tried to get me to go home on multiple occasions but because it is the holiday season and I want to be able to get my loved ones a decent present for Christmas, and also because shit is tough financially at home like always, I told him no and that I needed to continue my shifts. Also, I am in my final week of school, which is followed by my final exam week. I have about six or seven papers that are due within the next two weeks, which I barely have time to even get done between school and work. So, when I skipped one of my classes to go to the doctor’s for a quick check up, an anxiety attack ensued when I was told I had to go to the hospital. I couldn’t go to the hospital. I had work on Tuesday night. I couldn’t miss my shift. I have two papers due on Thursday and one on Friday. I need to get those done. I can’t go to the hospital. I couldn’t.

After being told I was being admitted overnight, I calmed down for some odd reason. I emailed my professors immediately, asking for extensions for all my papers, which I was granted. Thankfully. For some reason, my mind just wiped clean as I laid in this hospital bed. I didn’t know why. I wasn’t worried about work. My boss had been checking in on me, and told me to work on getting better and it was okay that I couldn’t come in. He showed me that he cared about me, not just my work ethic. I had school out of the way for the time being. I guess for the first time in a long time, I finally put myself before everything else in my life. I was taking care of myself instead of ignoring myself. Being in this hospital was a blessing in disguise because it made me stop putting everything before myself.

I need to take care of myself, and this is what made me realize it.

Being in the hospital, I have started taking my medicine for my bipolar, which has been the first in months.

I have relaxed, not working on any school work or talking to anyone really besides my dad or my boyfriend.

I have made sure that I am able to recover on my own time, not by the limits my life is giving me.

I am putting myself first, from now on. I am going to do things that make me happy. I am not going to lay in my room, feeling depressed all the time. I am going to make myself feel and look as good as I want to. I am going to start taking my medicine on a regular basis again. I am going to start eating again. I am going to start reading and writing and finding my passions again. I am going to be what I want to be. I am going to be happy. I am going to be me. I will not be held back anymore. I won’t allow myself to be.

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