New Year

 

The New Year is always seen as a new beginning for most people. It’s a time to start over, forget the mistakes of the previous year and prepare for the shit that is going to come to them in the coming year. This New Year has left me perplexed on how I want to go about my new year. Like most people, I wrote New Year’s resolutions. They were the typical, things most people try to accomplish when the clock strikes midnight. I wanted to start eating healthier, or more, honestly. I only eat about once or twice a day at most. I considered going vegetarian for the New Year, but I honestly love Pork Roll way too much to allow myself to do that. I wanted to start writing more. I got a ton of journals for Christmas from random friends, and I want to be able to fill them up but I’m constantly stuck in a perpetual cycle of writer’s block, only really able to find the words that will explain how I’m feeling at the time, not able to create beautiful words of poetry or short stories that I want to. I want to quit smoking cigarettes, which I hope I’ll be able to do this year. I’m using my wisdom teeth surgery as a catalyst for that one. But, every time I try to quit, something big and annoying happens in my life and the stress smoking starts up again.

                  I have lists and lists of things I want to accomplish this year. However, the most important thing I want to accomplish is being happy. The holidays created a whirlwind of different emotions that I dealt with by drinking and sleeping my days away. I’ve been depressed beyond belief, which no one has noticed because I’ve been able to keep a mask of false happiness on my face while a hole was being dug into my chest and I just wanted to die. But, I don’t want the constant feeling of dread and hatred for myself to follow me into the New Year. I want to be happy. I want to travel and see new places and find myself in those new places. I want to do little things that will make my day and make each sunrise worth seeing when I wake up in the morning. I want to surround myself with people who give a shit about me and are happy themselves, and maybe that happiness will permeate into my subconscious and it will allow me to be constantly happy, instead of constantly depressed. I’m taking small steps into finding that person, that happy and lively person, within myself. I hope this year will be the year I am able to finally accomplish that.

                  And I’m not saying that I’m never happy. I have small bursts of happiness, but they only last about an hour max. Then, the rest of my day is filled with overthinking and worrying that I fucked something up. But, hopefully, this year will be different. I will allow myself to be happy. This year, hopefully, will be my year. But, it’s only January. We’ll see where this year takes me.

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