In 2009, I went on a website that no longer exists in the present moment. It was called help.com. That is the place where I first went to express my feelings on suicide. For the next four years I talked to a person known as Triple H. He was always there to reply to me whether it be days, weeks, or months there was always a reply. He became someone I trusted the most. There was four years of dialogue helping each other out. Between our struggles of relationships, parents, siblings, school, and personal problems. We were there for each other. Eventually he would take longer to reply back but it was okay because our messages to each other were always long and thoughtful. When we become closer, our messages were paragraphs long. We connected so well. We had this internet connection and I loved him as a person. It was never romantic. It was just two hurting individuals helping each other be okay. I was so grateful to have him in my life because during that time of my life I wouldn’t know what to do without him.
Eventually, I had to become okay without him.
One day, in 2013 the website changed. It was reformatted and everything was lost. Accounts were deleted, posts were deleted, and everything was new. I lost my best friend that day. I never exchanged personal information with him, so I was never able to talk to him again. I quickly made an account asking if he was still there but I never got a reply. I remember emailing the “customer service” of the website, angry, because everything was gone and I wasn’t notified of it. I just wanted to talk to my best friend again. I cried for days because I just wanted to talk to him.
I got reminded of this recently when I was going through an old email searching for an essay I once wrote. The email notifications that a user made a comment on my post were still there in the email. I clicked on the link to see what remains. It is now a website that offers advice for customer service, marketing, and sales. I remember the day it the website was first changed and I broke down in tears hoping that I can still find my best friend. When I saw what the website became I started crying because the memories still remain.
I am glad that Triple H was in my life during that time. Wherever he is now, I hope he is doing okay and is happy. I am glad during our messages that I was able to express how much he meant to me and how glad I was that I had a friend like him. I know the possibilities of ever finding him again are slim to nothing but I am glad that I was able to tell him how much he meant to me.
With him in my life, I was able to be okay. Even though, the website ruined my friendship it allowed me to be okay without him. He taught me so much and I like to believe that he is partially a reason why I am still here today.
I still have days where I hate myself, but at least the days with him my days were slightly better and I know how to have better days now.