Do you ever have those moments when you don’t want to get out bed? When every force of your body is just weighing you down into bed? You just don’t get up and you don’t want to deal with the day.
That’s me everyday.
I have skipped a few classes because I just wanted to sleep in.
My problem is that I also have anxiety.
So my depression won’t let me get out of bed but then my anxiety doesn’t want me to miss class.
It’s this constant fight in my head of what I should do.
Granted, anxiety usually wins the battle and I go to class but then the rest of my day feels terrible.
There are days where my depression does win and I don’t go to the first class of the day. I fall back asleep but then I keep waking up constantly because I anxiety keeps telling me that I am missing that class. Then I go to the rest of classes that day, but I still feel terrible for missing the first class of the day.
Depending on the day, after my class I usually go back to sleep.
My problem is…I want to constantly be asleep. Friends and co-workers think it’s hilarious that I sleep all the time but they don’t know.
I actually hate waking up. On the weekends, I sleep it away. I stay up late, just so I won’t wake up. I tire my body out, just do I have a reason to sleep.
I hate being awake because I hate who I am as a person. I smile and I laugh just to get through the day. Everyone thinks it’s funny that I am so pessimistic or have a very realistic approach. I am okay with others seeing me that way.
Moments like this, make me realize I should take better care of myself.
I do small things for myself, sometimes I’ll get myself a favorite drink or splurge on really good food.
However, I only repair myself enough to get through the week.
It’s coming to a point where I am being clouded and I’m in this daze.
My friend, whom I haven’t seen in a few months, asked me recently “What have you been up to?”. I couldn’t answer because in that moment it felt like I had just woken up for a black out. I am numb and I don’t know what to do. I am going through the motions of waking up, going to class, eating, doing homework, and going to bed. Rinse and Repeat.
I am waiting for something to lift my spirits but I know it won’t come around if I let myself stay in this daze. I know it’s comfortable being numb but I need to get out of it. For my own sake. Yes, a lot of people would say I need to get my act together because of the leadership positions I hold on campus and that I need to fulfill a certain representation.
I don’t want to fix myself because I’m a leader on campus, I want to fix myself because I need it for my own sanity. If I can’t control my sanity, how can I even be a leader.
So what if I am selfish, I deserve to be selfish. I do so much for others and never expect anything back. I am completely okay with that, but I need to be completely okay with fixing myself so I could be a better person to the ones around me.