I’d be lying to myself (and to you) if I ever said it never crossed my mind in the past. A word that is often whispered, or spoken in hush tones. A word that most don’t know how to respond to. One that makes people wince at the thought: Suicide.
In all of its brokenness and complexities, it is still silenced. But the silence is so painfully loud if you’ve ever heard it and trust me you’d know it if you had. The internal struggle begins with the noise that doesn’t turn off with a switch or a magic word. How your brain can’t shut the fuck up just so you can sleep, eat or even drive. It’s the headaches, the chest pain, the shortness of breath. The way your heart pounds against your rib cage. It’s the fear of everything and nothing all at once. It’s the tears that fall when your mind is literally attacking your body and you can’t control it. It’s the lump in the back of your throat every time you have to speak calmly when you want to scream at the top of your lungs. It lies in the numbing pain that aches your soul to the core. The hunger for normalcy in all of the chaos. Yet, still it is silenced.
BUT WHY?!! Why do we suffer in silence until it’s too late? Why are we forced to cage ourselves because people don’t want to hear it? We let society control our feelings about everything else, why about this? About life and death.
As someone who has been there in the past and also someone who works with those still living with this noise, I refuse to be silent. I will not whisper because silence is like a secret that perpetuates the pain. It adds fuel to the fire and that fire will never burn out or fade away. Everyday I am alive is a reminder that my silence couldn’t destroy me. Everyday the air fills my lungs and my heart beats is another day I’ve survived. It’s another day that I’ve chosen to feel out loud and break the silence. Know that you’re not alone in your fight. Please, if you are struggling with this noise, don’t ignore it. Please don’t hide it or hope that it will just go away because it doesn’t until you stand against it. Don’t let your pain be silenced. I challenge you to let yourself feel out loud and allow yourself to heal. Always keep fighting because you’re worth it.