My, oh, my! It has been far too long. I have spent this past year on a recovery route and a journey of getting to know myself again, but now I have returned to a place where I am able to write.
For four years of my life, I was caught in the perpetual state of self-doubt. I was unable to distinguish between myself and my mental illness- a struggle a lot of us here can probably relate to. I didn’t know who the real me was, but I knew the ill me quite well. I went through months and years of treatment, and last year I finally received accurate diagnoses, a prescription, and a lot more assurance from those surrounding me.
After I was discharged from weekly treatment, I had to get to know myself. I didn’t know me. I spent a lot of time by myself, not because I was sad, but merely because I was trying to figure me out. I had to sit down, get a coffee with myself, and chat about who I was. I began trying a variety of activities, testing what I liked and what I didn’t. I spent a lot of time hiking in the Rocky Mountains, being one with nature and trying to listen to myself.
I wish I could say it was a single moment where BAM, I had found myself, but it wasn’t quite like that. It was more of a gradual change where every day became slightly more comfortable and easy. And one day I woke up, looked around, and saw that I had finally found the life I was meant to live. And it was beautiful. I can say, for the first time in my life, that I am truly happy.
This journey I have gone under this year hasn’t been easy. And there are still days filled with self-doubt, sadness, and relapse. But this journey has gotten me so comfortable with myself and others. I care for myself very well and I am eager to care for others too. I am finally at ease and the loud, roaring anxiety in my mind has now become a faint whisper. So this goes out to all the people who are in recovery from an illness, trauma, or anything for that matter: just breathe and explore. Explore yourself, the world, and others. Eventually, you will find yourself and that person will be beautiful (inside and out) and you will gain peace.
So go explore, my friends.