After my daily dose of medicine, I think I am ready to talk about this. By the time this is published, it will be two years since I attempted suicide but currently, it is 11:11 PM on the day before. This week has been one ride for me, due to me writing poetry, having a weird session with my therapist, auditioning for a show, not getting the callback, but then getting the call back at 6:30 A.M., barely making it and my medication stopped working. I was left on my own, questioning the motives of my director, desperately calling my friends in the middle of the night and asking for their opinion. Having both bipolar disorder and OCD is a toxic combination when it comes to the unknown and the inevitable, so in celebration of not dying for two years, I think I will give a brief summary on what I have learned.
One, learn how to breathe. This is serious for anyone like me who gets anxious and forgets how to breathe. My mentor was the first one to point this out to me after I would have anxiety attacks in her office. She gave me a pendant that said breathe, and a year afterwards, I got the word “breathe” tattooed on my wrist at fifteen. It’s also hilariously ironic since I’m sick and can’t really breathe out of both nostrils. Also, after having multiple panic attacks in my therapist’s office, breathing has become crucial in my daily life, since he is always pounding me for breathing.
Two, reach out for help. I credit this to most of my recovery so far. I was reluctant to reach out to any doctors until I started getting horrible headaches and headed to a neurologist. He then recommended me to a psychiatrist, who I’ve been seeing for two years in March. I then started getting severely anxious, and my doctor recommended me to a new therapist in the same building. At first with both of these men, I had a hard time opening up to them, since I have had past trauma with men. After working with both of them, I realized that, yes, they do want the best for me. It is way easier to trust people when you can see their intentions, laid flat out, at least, that’s how I see it.
Three, I can’t end on the number three, sorry about that.
Four, trust in the process. After working with my current director for three weeks, this has become crucial, since she wants me to trust her. I have previously written that I either come into situations too naivë or too protectant, so this has been a challenge that I have to overcome to work. I have a natural problem with eye contact, I will tell you that, but with her, I was able to look her in the eye after just meeting her. I am slowly trusting her, and if she reads this, I am trusting her with all of this.
I am going to leave you all with the words of my director, “Trust in the process.” This too shall pass.
Photo Source: Cass Lee