Time and Resolutions

 

People have a love/hate relationship with the concept of time. Some would argue that time is a made up thing and that we are slaves to it, others may argue that time is necessary for organization and being able to keep track of something is not terrible, and then there are people like me that just really do not care about time.

New Year, New Me,…but not really.

I don’t understand why people get so upset about resolutions or not completing them. I’ve always had the notion that resolutions were like goals, something that you would complete eventually. Maybe the problem with resolutions is that they aren’t goals. Usually goals, have a deadline and are a little bit specific. Resolutions are vague and only thought about towards the end of the year.

My goal/resolution for this year… hopefully, is to finally get help. I have been struggling with my mental health for at least seven years at this point and I’m surviving on my own. The two times I went to counseling I knew my parents hated it. The first time was with a school counselor in eighth grade and my mother made sure to have the counselor never speak to me again. The second time my parents lied about how I got help and was in support groups. I called them out on it.

I used to be so rational, the one that would take care of my friends who had it worse than me. I saved my friend from attempted suicide twice and I stayed up until morning talking to a drunk aggressive friend who wanted to end his life, who honestly probably hates me now. Both were so emotionally exhausting but at those times of my life, I had to be strong. I could not show weakness and I kept pushing forward. I burnt myself out many times and now all those burn outs are affecting me greatly. I almost gave up on school, I almost gave up my job, and I almost gave up on life. I felt trapped and I did not know what to do.

I need help, and this is the year I am going to get it. I don’t know when it will happen, but it will. I can not let my negative thoughts affect me like that anymore. I can no longer push everything behind a wall because I am way too exhausted to keep it up. I do not know what will happen, but I am trying to stay optimistic about it.

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