Getting Help

My first counseling session was interesting to say the least. However, it was not as I expected. I understand that seven years of repressed emotions isn’t going to be fixed in one session, but I didn’t expect the way I would act.

The day of my appointment, I wanted to cancel. I was feeling fine that morning and I didn’t see a reason to go. I thought it was all in my head. I knew immediately it was my depression playing tricks on me.

I arrived 30 minutes early to answer a survey about the way I’m feeling, if I abuse substances, what I have done in the past, etc. After I finished that, I noticed more individuals start to arrive. My mind was curious, I wanted to know why everyone was there. I guess it’s not appropriate to make small talk at a counseling office.

My counselor called my name. We talked. She was a resident counselor there, so she was only going to be there for the semester, in her words which would be perfect because when she leaves, hopefully I would be good to be on my own. She had an advisor that she would step out and talk to at a few points.

This is where I shocked myself.

I am usually a pretty open person as long as someone asks me about it. For some reason, I closed up. All my answers became “I don’t know and I don’t want to be in this office anymore” and I eventually stopped talking. She brought in her advisor to talk to me as well. Same thing happened. I closed up. I was there for an hour and a half. I was ready to leave the moment I sat down.

My second session was not as bad. I told myself before going to that session that I was just going to be direct and open and spill all the beans. I was still vague and did not know what I wanted from counseling.

My counselor told me that I should continue the sessions and look at different options as we “progress” into me getting better.

It’s still really hard going to counselor when for so long, I’ve been dealing with it all myself. I still have the notion that I need to be strong for others and take care of myself later. It’s hard doing something for yourself because it often gets classified as selfish. I keep thinking, that someone needs my appointment slot more than I do. Honestly, I am terrified of people I know finding out that I am getting help. First reactions people get have of me are usually that I am intimidating, I know what I’m doing, I’m strong, independent, and unapproachable. I scared of that going away, because I use those traits to be the leader I portray myself to be.

I know I need to keep pushing myself to go because I know if I cancel one appointment then I am going to stop going altogether. They say depression is strongest when it’s a struggle to get out of bed but I am finding out that the urge to cancel an appointment is much stronger. Depression tells me I don’t need help. Depression tells me I am actually okay. Depression tells me that I am better off alone and I can help myself. I am tired of fighting with depression, I just wish that I wouldn’t close up immediately the second I step into my counselor’s office. I wish I could tell my counselor everything I say in writing. I know I need it and I have to keep pushing myself because this is something I will not fail at.

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