Writing something this month was a bit of a struggle because I have always been the kind of person with a plan and now I’m struggling with an unknown but totally debilitating chronic illness.

You know the friend that plans every activity and needs to know what restaurant, at what time and even what your wearing the week before you hangout? Yeah, I’m that friend.

I always knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and until now always believed anything was possible. While other students worried about picking the right school or declaring a major I already knew where I was going and what I wanted to do. For my whole life, I have always been one step ahead and before I graduated I already had a scholarship for my next school. When I left university, I had a great job set up and even if I was struggling with school or work, it was something to get through until I got to the part of my plan when everything would be perfect. I would be a teacher and I would travel and see the world and maybe even get married and have kids one day.

Now I am sick.

At 27 years old I don’t have a plan and in many ways that’s the scariest thing I have ever had to face. I can’t plan my future because I don’t if I have one yet and that’s a scary thought but what’s even scarier is the idea of having a future. What if I can’t have the life I planned when I was 7 years old? Learning to let go and not trying to plan every outcome is probably going to be far scarier than anything thing my doctors find. The 25 pills a day, 20 doctors a month, and countless tests is the easy part. It’s the making plans when you don’t know how you will feel that day and your friends all have lives. The explaining to people over and over again that after you got your master degree you became too sick for a job and moved back in with my parents part that’s so soul crushing. For now I guess I have to take comfort in the predictable parts of my life.

photo source

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